mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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