you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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