I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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