evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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