There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
