someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
