You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
