i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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