Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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