just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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