i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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