I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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