I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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