How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
