Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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