Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
sex in a hospital.. check
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
