I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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