TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
