she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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