Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I did not marry a roomba.
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