if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
