It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
