I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
