I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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