I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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