Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
