My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
