Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
