I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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