I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
