I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
