I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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