i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
he had hair everywhere except his balls
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
