Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
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