He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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