Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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