My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize