Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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