It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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