dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize