he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
