went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
being pregnant is like rehab
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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