Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
