I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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