I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
