Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
