I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
