Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
