you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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