Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
