Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
