so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
