Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
