I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My cat gives me a boner
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
