I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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