I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
