At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
