Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
