I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
