how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
