how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
