currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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